Music is indisputably (and unrelentingly) autobiographical.
Consider the first song that you danced to... or that made you think/realize that you were in love... the song that your heart broke to over and over again as it played and how you never thought you'd recover...
Valentine's 2012 in particular, I remember the absurdly high occurrence of Somebody That I Used to Know -- Gotye references as status messages. (Someone should look that up, how many tweets and fb statuses had that.) It makes sense, after all loving someone and getting hurt are universal themes.
Sometimes it's a song you've heard before and liked, maybe even loved but then something happens and suddenly, it's like you've never heard the words before that moment. Catchy, pretty songs that then click that light bulb above your head "On".
Kagayaku Hito -- Angela Aki is like that for me. It was a fluke that I found it (or that it found me). I was listening to an internet radio station for Japanese music. I was taking beginner's Japanese and I wanted to immerse myself a little more. I just remember thinking that the song sounded so pretty, though I didn't understand it -- the simplicity of just a girl and her guitar really stood out. So I made note of the artist and song, and just kind of had it run in the background. At some point, curiosity struck and I thought to look for the translated lyrics.
That was a couple of years ago... it was during a really rough time in my life.
For me, there was always an inner turmoil. I had many things to be grateful for, but somehow I could never shake the feeling that I didn't deserve it. It prompted me to act out in seemingly irrational ways. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I think about how many times I've been hurt... and how many people I've hurt along the way. Whether it was intentionally or unintentionally doesn't really matter... you pay the consequences all the same.
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The sun has abandoned me and my presence grows dim
No one notices but my heart is crying
I want to be a shining person
So I close my eyes and imagine it
I’ll laugh a lot, fall in love
And surely be happy, so happy
Words have abandoned me, leaving me with thoughts I can’t express
No one can hear me but my heart is screaming out
[...]
I believe the shining person is definitely within me
I’ll laugh a lot, dream, and surely be happy
Someday I’ll be one too
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I understand it's a little narcissistic to assume that a song was made just for you... I understand it on paper. But at that moment, it was mine.
I've had to deconstruct a lot of the things about myself that were very much a part of my foundation -- how I process emotions, trust issues, stress management, how I communicate, the whole gamut. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and is something I continually work on. One of the most important things I've learned is that sometimes we create coping mechanisms for ourselves early on and then don't realize when they're out of date.
Everyone is a work in progress; no one is a masterpiece.
These are some of the songs that are telling a story for me right now...
Don't You Worry Child -- Swedish House Mafia
Sweet Nothing -- Florence and the Machine
Firework -- Katy Perry
I know, I know. A musicphile would scoff at this pedestrian playlist. I still like and listen to plenty of other songs, I'm just saying these are especially relevant right now -- mostly due to their accessibility. My cd player in my car is a little spotty, and my commute is long, so I've gotta scour the FM airwaves for jams. The Swedish House Mafia one in particular is just so timely. I find that when I start getting bummed or anxious, it happens to play. Seriously, like right when I feel that way. I blare it through my little 2004 Honda Civic speakers and just believe it when they say "Don't you worry, don't you worry, child. See Heaven's got a plan for you. Don't you worry, don't you worry now." It's convincing. Or maybe I'm convince-able. Either way, I like it.
I've got plenty to say about what I think about destiny, fate, coincidence, divinity -- but I'll save that for another post.
At any rate, I have decided that the takeaway from all this is: I'm going to come out the other side. Things are going to be ok.
I am a (grateful) recipient of hope.
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