Saturday, October 11, 2014

A Sheep in Wolf's Clothing

I write in my journal a bit. A physical journal, like pen and paper. I highly recommend it at as a regular practice. Just write how you feel, even if it is irrational, even if it doesn't make sense, even if it trails off -- it's only for you, so there's no reason it has to be anything more than you want it to be. I find it's been helpful in just the initial airing out of grievances, but also it's been helpful for me to find patterns. As a result, I am more apt to cut things out quickly if I know it to be a bad pattern. I also find it helps me to be more observant in general, and as a result, more considerate not just to myself but others as well.

I encountered a situation some time ago that upon happening to me solidified what path I want to be on. I don't have one set path, but I'm trying to open up the right ones and close off as many of the wrong ones. I had a quote I loved from Honey and Clover:

I realized why I was lost. It's not because I didn't have a map... 

It was because I didn't have a destination.

Finding your own true path and making no excuses about it may be a long process, but I find that the more I work towards that, regardless how "close" I think I am to it, every step along the way feels more and more free. I'm really happy with my journey so far -- it has ups and downs, and it'll never be perfect, but that's ok; it's not suppose to be. It's my journey, using my own compass -- and I'll continue being grateful for it, because every day I am easily reminded of how lucky I am to have the people who care for me, who I care for, the opportunities I am given, the challenges I can overcome, the luxuries I have, the life I am choosing...

The entry was written more than a year ago probably, and goes as such...

To me you are a sheep in wolf's clothing. You appear to be wild and strong. You talk a good game about being worldly, reflective, deep... but I see you now. You are shallow. But that isn't enough for you. You are also a coward. 

I saw you watch as some other man danced with the girl you wish you knew how to be with. You had a sheepish look on your face and never have I "nope"d harder. It was a pathetic sight to see that you're an errant dog hoping to pick up the scraps.

This is who you are. It cannot be unseen, but I am glad. I am further freed.

A little angsty, but it's allowed to be. It actually paired really well with this song, which I had on super repeat for awhile. (They are a fantastic band)

To me, the lyrics really encapsulated that feeling of a veil being lifted and really seeing someone with clear eyes. It was sad, but a little validating -- which is a rude thing to say, I know.

"o, i thought your beauty was ugly. 
i concluded that it wasn't pretty. not to me. 
o, i thought your beauty was ugly. 
you were hoping to make something to outweigh suffering. 
you were trying to fake something like in the movies. 
now i'm trying to make something worth remembering. "

Who it was or wasn't doesn't matter. It may not even be real -- you don't know. But what I gained from it is very real. I don't know what the future holds, but I'm resolute in finding it in my time in my own way.